I want to die.
But I know I can't. I know there is a God. He created my life and it would be complete disrespect to end it. I'm also afraid. I'm afraid to see God. I'm afraid to hear what he thinks of me. I know I haven't tried hard enough. And I know there are too many things I need to fix and repent of. I cannot die now.
What causes this want of death you may ask? I lost the man I love. He did not die, nor did he move away. No, I lost him because he doesn't care. Unexpectedly he started to not care. I pushed it away and ignored it for so long. I broke though, and brought it up with him. To make a long story short, I told him I couldn't deal with the pain. And he told me to find someone else.
I shared my story with an amazing girl named Katie. She did something I wasn't expecting, she cried with me. Never before have I felt such a strong sense of friendship and universal love from any one person. Katie is my hero. She helped me more than I think she will ever understand. It was her idea to write down my feelings. So I thank her and dedicate this blog to her.
I can't remember ever crying so hard. My eyes hurt. But they don't compare to my heart. I went through my room and cleaned out everything that reminds me of him. I wish I could do the same thing with my heart and mind. But I know he'll always be there. You can't wipe out such a life changing person.
I can't deal with this pain. Yet, I know through experience that hurting myself doesn't help at all. I've already stated that I can't die. Without these options how will I survive the coming days? All I see ahead is darkness. I'm trying to look farther but I can only see dark. There is no light. Part of me wishes I could go back and change my words. I wish I could fix whatever I did and make him still love me. However, a part of me knows that this end was inevitable. Nothing I could do would change this.
I guess we weren't supposed to work out. That one line kills me every time I think it. So many people saw us getting married. We were perfect for each other. How can it be that perfection can end?
I want to live my life with him. But that life is dead. I am dead.
Don't be so dramatic. If you put so much significance into everything, it's just going to make life suck. Realize how little anything truly matters. What is a human life in the vast scale of things? If there truly is a God, why would he care about a single human more than the massive expanses of the universe, filled with beauty that boggles the human mind?
ReplyDeleteLove is an emotion. Yes, a complex one, but still. It's a chemical state of the brain. Everything you think is a chemical state of the brain. So sit back, enjoy the show.
If there is a God, like you expect, He should be a pretty reasonable fellow. He will love you even if you haven't tried your hardest. He won't care if you didn't end up with a specific guy. Don't fear something, especially when it is impossible to truly confirm His existence. And if you are going to prepare yourself for Him, why dread it? Make Him into the wonderful being He must be.
And as pointless as life may be, I think it's still a good idea to keep living it because it really can be a great experience, and you'd be missing out on so much considering your young age.
And I cried reading this. You'll have to share more later (only if you want to) :( I feel for you. Extremely.
ReplyDeleteYou may be dead, sure. But He came back to life, didn't he? And not just back to life but resurrected, perfected. Why in the world or heavens did He do this? So you can too.
ReplyDeleteBut have some perspective. You aren't dead physically, you can continue onward. You got out of a damaging relationship, thats a start. Just remember, before life can get better, you have to let it. (It can actually get worse if you aren't careful) Think about what is actually important. If you want a hint, it involves your salvation. That comes first. And you seem to be headed in the right direction.
If you want awesome books to read, "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis, as well as his other Christian books, are very motivating.