Small Distractions

"Facade: a front or outer appearance, especially a deceptive one."

That one word describes me today. I put up a facade. I smiled, laughed, and told everyone I was fine. Secretly on the inside I'm hurting still. I find that I put up the thickest mask for him. I don't want him to know how much I'm hurting now.

I told him that I'm done avoiding him and that I'm ready to be friends. I smiled and acted normal. On the inside I cried. I don't want to be friends. I want more.

We had a mutual activity with our building's youth. We cleaned the field and pavilion behind our church. I laughed and smiled with my ward friends. I always kept an eye on him though. I wanted him to be with us laughing as well. I feel like I've driven him away from his friends. After the work was done a bunch of people started to play rounders (a baseball-like game).

My twin sister and I sat by and watched. She asked me if it seemed like he was down or quieter than normal. I honestly couldn't tell her for sure. I never talk to or see him anymore. Her observation has given me a little hope though. Is it possible that he misses me? At least as a friend? I'm scared to hope though. Hope always leads to hurt.

I'm finding that when no one is looking I'm more depressed. I can't focus and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. I never want to do anything and my thoughts are murky. I need distractions.

My biggest distraction? Guard. I've never been more thankful for guard than I am now. I go and lose myself in the work and practice. I feel accepted, loved, and wanted with my guard. I also feel love from the A guard girls. It's with these people that I can finally let go. I finally feel light.

Right now I'm specifically grateful for the A guard. They will never understand how much each and every one of them helped me pull through Saturday. I know I couldn't have made it through the show without them. Seeing them sitting there cheering us on brought tears to my eyes. I am wanted and needed somewhere.

The A guard girls are a special group of people. Never before have I met such an accepting, fun-loving group of girls. I know I can be myself with them and I know they won't judge me. Those girls have pulled me through many things and I feel like I owe them something too. That's most of why I want to be a captain. I need some way to give back to them.

What do I long for right now? A true hug from him. I remember when his hugs were for comfort and love. I remember hugging him for long periods of time that seemed to last only a second. I remember the cold cutting around us but neither of us really feeling it because of the love we shared. I never realized how much I would miss such a simple thing from him. I need a hug.

I also need sleep. I know the lack of it is not helping my mood. I say, curses to school and it's controlling-ness of my life. And I want is to sleep for hours and never wake up. Time passes faster when you sleep and right now, time is my enemy.

"Everything gets better with time." Too many people have told me these words. I'm sick of hearing them. I hate time. I hate waiting. I am the least patient person you will ever meet. I want solutions. I want them now. Time is pain. Pain is bad.

Even though I hurt so much, I'm beginning to notice the little things that I'm grateful for now. I'm grateful for a smile from a friend, a "hello" in the hall, the sound of laughter. I notice my surroundings more. The way the grass is getting slowly greener, the brightness of the blue sky, new plants beginning to grow. Simple things can bring so much happiness. I need happiness, therefore, I need simple things.

"By small things are great things brought to pass"

Perhaps these small moments can conquer this pain.