Small Distractions

"Facade: a front or outer appearance, especially a deceptive one."

That one word describes me today. I put up a facade. I smiled, laughed, and told everyone I was fine. Secretly on the inside I'm hurting still. I find that I put up the thickest mask for him. I don't want him to know how much I'm hurting now.

I told him that I'm done avoiding him and that I'm ready to be friends. I smiled and acted normal. On the inside I cried. I don't want to be friends. I want more.

We had a mutual activity with our building's youth. We cleaned the field and pavilion behind our church. I laughed and smiled with my ward friends. I always kept an eye on him though. I wanted him to be with us laughing as well. I feel like I've driven him away from his friends. After the work was done a bunch of people started to play rounders (a baseball-like game).

My twin sister and I sat by and watched. She asked me if it seemed like he was down or quieter than normal. I honestly couldn't tell her for sure. I never talk to or see him anymore. Her observation has given me a little hope though. Is it possible that he misses me? At least as a friend? I'm scared to hope though. Hope always leads to hurt.

I'm finding that when no one is looking I'm more depressed. I can't focus and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. I never want to do anything and my thoughts are murky. I need distractions.

My biggest distraction? Guard. I've never been more thankful for guard than I am now. I go and lose myself in the work and practice. I feel accepted, loved, and wanted with my guard. I also feel love from the A guard girls. It's with these people that I can finally let go. I finally feel light.

Right now I'm specifically grateful for the A guard. They will never understand how much each and every one of them helped me pull through Saturday. I know I couldn't have made it through the show without them. Seeing them sitting there cheering us on brought tears to my eyes. I am wanted and needed somewhere.

The A guard girls are a special group of people. Never before have I met such an accepting, fun-loving group of girls. I know I can be myself with them and I know they won't judge me. Those girls have pulled me through many things and I feel like I owe them something too. That's most of why I want to be a captain. I need some way to give back to them.

What do I long for right now? A true hug from him. I remember when his hugs were for comfort and love. I remember hugging him for long periods of time that seemed to last only a second. I remember the cold cutting around us but neither of us really feeling it because of the love we shared. I never realized how much I would miss such a simple thing from him. I need a hug.

I also need sleep. I know the lack of it is not helping my mood. I say, curses to school and it's controlling-ness of my life. And I want is to sleep for hours and never wake up. Time passes faster when you sleep and right now, time is my enemy.

"Everything gets better with time." Too many people have told me these words. I'm sick of hearing them. I hate time. I hate waiting. I am the least patient person you will ever meet. I want solutions. I want them now. Time is pain. Pain is bad.

Even though I hurt so much, I'm beginning to notice the little things that I'm grateful for now. I'm grateful for a smile from a friend, a "hello" in the hall, the sound of laughter. I notice my surroundings more. The way the grass is getting slowly greener, the brightness of the blue sky, new plants beginning to grow. Simple things can bring so much happiness. I need happiness, therefore, I need simple things.

"By small things are great things brought to pass"

Perhaps these small moments can conquer this pain.

Not the Same

I love my friends and especially my family. I know that they love me too. I've never seen so much love and care as I have in the last couple days. I've received advice, comfort, understanding. Its amazing how humans have to ability to pull together when someone is in need.

I've tried to be fair in telling my story. I always show my words as well as his. Am I still being unfair or cruel? Why does everyone say he is a jerk while the two people who's opinions matter most don't agree. I know there is a good man there. I know he's just a little off right now. He also thinks nothing is wrong. The world says yes, but we say no. Am I right or am I being ignorant?

I don't think I'm ignorant. I know he hurt me. I know he treated me unfairly. However, I also know that someday he'll come back. I'll accept him again when he does. How can I not?

Faith. I have faith in him. Faith is a common theme among the advice I received. I must have faith that the Lord knows what is best for me. Faith that His plan is working the right way. I must have faith and lean on Him and Christ. Let Christ take my burdens and cares because He has felt them too. So much faith is required right now. I'm trying to have it.

It's so hard though. I don't understand at all, and that's always been a weakness of mine. I have to know why I'm doing something, and why things have to happen the way they do. I know the Lord knows that. Maybe He's giving me this to grow. Maybe He really does know what's best. Again, so much faith is required.

I went to seminary today with a prayer in my heart. I wanted a lesson that would help me to understand or give me some hope. We started the lesson by talking about follies. We were taught that the Lord loves us even when we mess up and do something dumb. My teacher proceeded to show us a quote that was exactly what I needed to hear.

"The atonement can fill that which is empty, straighten our bent parts, and make strong that which is weak. The Savior's victory can compensate not only for our sins but also for our inadequacies; not only for deliberate mistake but also for our sins committed in ignorance, our errors of judgement, and our unavoidable imperfections" Bruce C Hafen

I learned that Christ knows me. He loves me. And He is completely willing to help me right now. He has the ultimate love. He knows my imperfections, He sees them, and yet He still loves me with all His heart.

I've felt that love today more than every before. I'm not about to admit that the coming days will be easy. No, I know they'll be hard, and they'll be painful. But I know the Lord loves me. I can feel His love. God's love makes me want to try my hardest and become a better person.

I may have lost one man's love, but I found the perfect fatherly love. The Lord's love is not the same. It is better. So much better.

The Beginning of the End

I want to die.

But I know I can't. I know there is a God. He created my life and it would be complete disrespect to end it. I'm also afraid. I'm afraid to see God. I'm afraid to hear what he thinks of me. I know I haven't tried hard enough. And I know there are too many things I need to fix and repent of. I cannot die now.

What causes this want of death you may ask? I lost the man I love. He did not die, nor did he move away. No, I lost him because he doesn't care. Unexpectedly he started to not care. I pushed it away and ignored it for so long. I broke though, and brought it up with him. To make a long story short, I told him I couldn't deal with the pain. And he told me to find someone else.

I shared my story with an amazing girl named Katie. She did something I wasn't expecting, she cried with me. Never before have I felt such a strong sense of friendship and universal love from any one person. Katie is my hero. She helped me more than I think she will ever understand. It was her idea to write down my feelings. So I thank her and dedicate this blog to her.

I can't remember ever crying so hard. My eyes hurt. But they don't compare to my heart. I went through my room and cleaned out everything that reminds me of him. I wish I could do the same thing with my heart and mind. But I know he'll always be there. You can't wipe out such a life changing person.

I can't deal with this pain. Yet, I know through experience that hurting myself doesn't help at all. I've already stated that I can't die. Without these options how will I survive the coming days? All I see ahead is darkness. I'm trying to look farther but I can only see dark. There is no light. Part of me wishes I could go back and change my words. I wish I could fix whatever I did and make him still love me. However, a part of me knows that this end was inevitable. Nothing I could do would change this.

I guess we weren't supposed to work out. That one line kills me every time I think it. So many people saw us getting married. We were perfect for each other. How can it be that perfection can end?

I want to live my life with him. But that life is dead. I am dead.